Mietzke's Holden Adventure

I have been back at Holden for almost a week. My trip to Canada was a difficult one. I was very sick while I was away and realized, in that place of vulnerability, how very remote Holden is from the outside world. I could only connect with my family via computer and sometimes it was actually difficult to find a computer I could use and even then I was hungry for their voices and the comforts that only my family can offer me. While I was out I had a deepening realization of how the world goes on without me at a pace I feel hard pressed to keep up with. So many of my family and friends are dealing with huge transitions many of them very painful and life changing and I feel so far away from them and sometimes at a loss for how to support them.
I feel spoiled here at Holden. When I returned I was greeted with such genuine kindness and love and interest in my life and my journey. We somehow have the time to really see each other to ask questions and to stay and listen to the answers. This time is invaluable and I feel seen and heard and accepted even in my awkwardness (of which there can be a lot). As I struggle with the knowledge that people I love are hurting I feel that there are places built into Holden for me to grieve and ache for those things that I am powerless to change, and there are places here to find renewal and worth. These things are all true in the outside world also; but the time piece is a factor. I felt like so much of the time I was running at a pace where I didn’t really see things, and I was bombarded constantly by images and messages that consumed my own ability to process.
I miss my people, my family and friends that have know me in all of my screwed up splendor. I miss being able to connect on a regular basis in a way where I can see and hear how, and where people are in their process. It sometimes feels like this writing thing takes so much time and conveys only a portion of a person, and I miss the rest.
On the other hand I am so thankful for this experience of time and community. I am thankful for being in such a great place in my marriage and my life. I feel like both Dave and I are deepening in ways that I could have never imagined possible. This may seem like a strange blog entry but I wanted to somehow get back into writing on here and I have so many emotions from the last two weeks rolling around in side of me that I have been at a loss for words. So this is a message to all of my friends and family out there in the “real “world. I love you! I think about you and pray for you daily. I miss you and I am with you in heart.
On another note, I stepped back into Holden right before Holy week and there are so many things to plan. We are doing a big Easter vigil with many traditional stories acted out and danced with drumming and singing and costumes and visuals. It is going to be a lot of fun but also a lot of work. It is strange to try and gauge how people feel about this season. Many people here have had varied experiences with religion (including myself) and as I am part of the planning and creation of services I keep trying to think of ways in which we can experience these things new, with life and love, with a deepened awareness of the worlds struggles but also with an emphasis on the grace and goodness of God. Holden has offered a place for me to experience some of the really fun things about tradition, and creation. I feel like I am healing some of the anger and pain I have towards pieces of organized religion. I am able to experience some of these things in a new way, and see where my emotion about ways in which I have seen God misused in religion, can be renewed. I feel that through this I am gaining an understanding of why people hold on so tightly to fixed ideas, and I am seeing where compassion could get replaced by dogma, and I feel free from it. There is value to tradition, that I have kept myself from experiencing out of a fear based reaction to religious piety. It can be fun and thought provoking and a deepening experience.
Any way, what I am saying is that I am enjoying the process of trying to see this with new eyes. I am enjoying working through my own judgmental fixed ideas and I am enjoying creating it and experiencing it in a new way for myself.